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the suffering, the fear, and left to one side for the time being
the paradox of the wonder and miracle of life of which we all
partake. It is a topic that we all could turn ourselves towards
and muse over from time to time.
I came into this life experiencing the pain of birth, and
have spent most of my life trying as best I can to avoid any
more of it. I could see fear as suffering s constant companion.
àere is fear of life s general suffering, but also specifically
fear of loneliness, loss, and death, which is a much deeper
fear, and a deeper sense of suffering. I have always pursued
happiness in the hope of avoiding suffering. I have sought
contentment in the hope that I would never have to face fear
but somehow I have never quite pulled it off. Sometimes
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I have tasted happiness and contentment, but often in those
precious moments I have recognized that it would soon begin
to slip through my fingers, and I would have to start all over
again.
I have spent a lifetime pursuing this goal of con-
tentment, whether consciously or unconsciously, with the
frustration of knowing that ultimately I am never going to
achieve it. àis pursuit will no doubt last throughout my
years. On top of that, during that pursuit I will have to try
not to be preoccupied, but rather to accept that this body at
any moment could give me pain and serious trouble.
It was not difficult to see that this body makes me live
my life at its constant beck and call. It requires food and
water, and general attention. However inconvenient this at-
tention may be at times, the body still demands priority over
everything. I can see that, however wonderful a machine it
may be, I am still restricted by its demands. Yet ironically,
despite the resentment that sometimes can come towards
this compulsory engagement, there is still a curious and
very powerful attachment to it, even though I am aware that
could at any moment it let me down.
It will not seek my permission to die and go into
change. It will not apologize if I happen to be in the middle
of something important. It will just do it. In that dying there
will inevitably be pain, and I will be then be faced with its
closest friend fear. àe dreaded fear of death will finally
have arrived. All of my life I have conveniently avoided
thinking of this day, but now the one guarantee in life has
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finally come. Along with it come the fear, the experience of
suffering, and the fear of the unknown that follows. Whilst
in my life I have always chased the light, now the darkness
comes, the darkness which is the one guarantee in life. And
just how many times have I had this experience of death?
If you would like to get to grips with the number of
lives you must surely have lived, you can embark on a little
exercise that will bring home to you the endless cycle of
rebirth and suffering that we all seem willing to partake in.
àink of the number one. Now double it, then double the
result of that sum. Double it again, and so on. Of course you
have things to do in your life, so you can t be doing these
sums all the time. Nevertheless whenever you think of it, in
times of boredom or whenever it s convenient, continue dou-
bling the total. Soon you will need a piece of paper to keep
track, and soon after that a calculator. As the number gets
ever larger you will require a computer. Pursue this exercise
at your leisure, right through your life, and when the time
finally arrives to leave the body that can no longer support you,
just check on the figure that you are currently at. When you
run your eyes along that number, which will be way beyond
your ability to grasp, realize that that number just scratches
the surface of the number of times you have experienced the
phenomenon of death that you are now about to go through
yet again.
Maybe at that time you will regret not making the
effort to put an end to this hideous cycle that you have no
control over. Maybe you will think that if only you had made
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the effort while you were well, you might have come to this
point with a smile on your face, in the knowledge that this
was the last time. àe judge of death, Yama whom you
have encountered countless times in the past will come to
you yet again as he has done every time at your death, with
his piercing eyes and hideous laugh. He then will grab you
by the scruff of your neck and drag you into another life,
whether you like it or not, to perpetuate this endless cycle.
At that moment it may dawn on you that you could have
brought this cycle to an end. àe people you have had faith
in, the Buddha, your teacher, all the wise men and women
throughout the history of Buddhism, told you that going
beyond birth and death could be achieved. If only you had
pursued the Path to take you out of this cycle.... àen, instead
of Yama coming and roaring with laughter and enjoying his
power over you, you could have greeted him with a warm
and loving smile. You could have drawn the sword of wisdom
that you had created, a sword honed to a fine sharpness by a
lifetime of dedicated practice, and cut him in two.
Whilst contemplating these negative realities of life, I
realized what good karma I had. Not only had I come to
human birth where liberation from the wheel is possible, I
had also had the good karma to be born in a time when the
Dharma still exists, and what is more, the good karma to
hear that Law. àese thoughts made me resolve that I was
never going to give up this practice while I had the good
karma to continue. I am determined that it will be me and
not Yama who will be smiling the next time we meet.
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Jàelf
One of the most fascinating aspects of Dharma training is
working to understand the subject of the self. àis really is
the great mystery. If we observe ourselves, and the motiva-
tions, fears, desires, etc. that seem to take hold of our lives
most of the time, we see that just about every mental move-
ment we make seems to come from the conviction that there
is a fixed person somewhere inside our mind and even inside
our body. àis sense of self, ego, or me, seems to pervade our
whole consciousness, yet Buddhism will always deny its very
existence! àere doesn t appear to be another religion or spir-
itual path that makes such a statement. Even if you were to
study the metaphysics of the abhidharma, a study that leaves
no stone unturned in dissecting the human condition and its
experience, or to study the many commentaries and teach-
ings of schools and masters, they, and Buddhism in general,
will nowhere affirm this experience all of us are apparently
having most of the time.
Even the second of the four noble truths doesn t state
that the cause of suffering is the self. It says that it is desire
that is the cause of suffering. But what is it that is desiring?
What is this self that doesn t exist?
àe experience of self always takes place in a state of
duality. àe sense of duality, of me here and the world out
there, is the normal state of being for us all. àis experience of
separateness allows that state of individuality to arise, and it is
whilst in that state of individuality that the self will manifest.
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