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She hissed in a breath, and I felt sure she d lay into me again, but then Hermi muttered
something to her and with an angry snort, she stomped away down the corridor.
I coughed and rubbed my aching chest. It felt like someone had been whacking it with a
hammer.
Jodi, are you all right? I'm so sorry about that. She shouldn t
I don t want to talk to you, Hermi. You re as bad as the rest of them.
Yes, that s quite true. May I sit?
I turned my face away from him, not wanting to look at him and be fooled by his so innocent
expression. Touch me, do anything to change my feelings, and I ll hurt you.
I only want to talk, Jodi. I love Kir as my son, but I know you suffer too.
I didn t answer. Anything I could do in this situation played into their hands. People
surrounded me who could make me think what they wanted, feel what they wanted. They altered
perceptions of reality as easily as breathing. For all I knew, I lay dying in a cage. They could
make me believe anything.
He said nothing, but I heard him shuffle and ease his portly body down onto the ground with
a soft groan.
He s been in agonies, wondering how much to tell you, and when. He knew you d take it
badly, but he didn t think it would be this badly. Rather, he hoped you wouldn t.
You honestly think that this could ever be good news?
I know, I know...but you and he seemed to be reaching an understanding. He didn t want to
damage that, and we didn t want to damage you. He wanted to build something with you,
something clean, before he burdened you with the past. We tried to advise him, but no one of us
knew what would be best, since he was the only one who knew you well. For months as he kept
you under surveillance, his feelings for you became very strong, even though he knew we knew
it was hopeless. You surely have seen how much he cares for you.
It was Ajeile all over again. Except...I did know Kir s feelings were involved. Or had seemed
to be. As had mine, or they d started to be. But how could I trust what I felt or thought? How
much was normal attraction, how much manipulation?
I don t know what to believe any more. I thought...I thought it was completely natural, how
this started. Now I don t know what s going on. You should have told me. He should have.
He put his hand on my arm and I flinched, but he didn t withdraw. I couldn t detect any
attempt to use his talent. You re right to be angry and hurt. We ve handled this badly.
You really have. Jeyle has no right
No. That was quite wrong of her, what she said and what she did. But then she s as
damaged as the rest of us. To us, rape is...what we endured in prison. What Kir endured as a
child.
I was raped in prison too. Only difference with me is that someone I...I like...liked...did it to
me as well. Who do I turn to now? Who do I trust?
I would hope...in time...you could trust us.
Not a hope in hell, Hermi.
I can t blame you for that, but what alternative do you have?
I glared at him. Would you stop me leaving?
My dear boy, where could you go?
Tsikeni? Leave the country, go to Darsino? Dindornes, even. Surely....
He shook his head. Tsikeni isn t that liberal that we can find safety there. The Darsinis are
Pindone s allies, and you d never make it to Dindornes. Not on your own.
I gritted my teeth. Prison would be better than this. At least I knew who the enemy was.
We re not your enemy. Kir isn t, I swear to you. Blame us, blame me, but he did our
bidding because he s trying to help us. He s a soldier, following distasteful orders. He s been
brave enough to do what others of us are too frightened to attempt, and for that, some have
censured him. He s even killed for us, to my great sorrow but in doing so, he s saved many
lives. He does terrible things to keep us safe. Some of us are so nice as to judge him for that. I say
to them, he s given you the luxury of being here to despise him.
The hair thing is to do with that. I should have realised it sooner. I remembered reading
about it now cutting one s hair had been a Dar-sen custom, to show grief or ostracism. And
these people imitated them in so many ways, or tried to.
He nodded, grey eyes solemn. Yes. There was a disgraceful scene and some thought he
didn t have the right to call himself a Spiritist or to be part of this group. So he cut off his braid
and refused to grow it again.
Charming people you have here.
He nodded again, mouth turned down sadly. We re deeply flawed, I acknowledge that, and
our actions are reprehensible. We re the ones at fault. He s not to blame.
Did you force him to do what he did to me? Hermi s silence was my answer. Then he
shares the blame.
Jodi, what you feel is quite justified. The harm s been done, and you ve been hurt by us. By
me, by decisions I was part of. But...can you not try to forgive? Our intentions were pure
you ve seen what we re rescuing people from, how large and powerful the enemy is.
Do you know how much evil s been done in the name of I only wanted to help ? Even I....
I clenched my fist, thinking of Neim. Where is he?
In Ferige s workshop, but please...he has no armour against you. You feel deeply wronged,
with good cause, but...he s been through so much. Please, Jodi.
I drew in a breath and held it to calm myself down. I just want to talk, I said, trying to
unclench my teeth. You and your creepy friends will have to wait until I have a chance to do
that.
Of course. Help me up, could you? I m too old and fat to be sitting on stone floors.
I did so with difficulty he really wasn t good at sitting on floors. His knees clicked as I got
him upright. The workshop?
Down there, first right. Please, just
You don t have the right to ask favours of me. Yet his eyes still mutely pleaded. I ll do
my best.
Thank you. And...I'm sorry.
There was no point in repeating my complaint, so I only nodded. Holding my bruised back, I
walked stiffly in the direction of Kir s friend s workshop and hoped I wouldn t encounter any
more angry telekinetics on the way.
He was alone, working in the corner, planing a piece of dark wood down with slow,
concentrated movements, red curls of shavings surrounding his feet. I wondered if he was making
something or whether he only sought the action itself. He looked like shit. If he hadn t been
crying it had been a close thing.
Why didn t you tell me? I asked, standing in the doorway.
I didn t know how. I guess I hoped you d never find out.
How were you going to keep something like that from me? Kir, you forced me to sleep with
you as certainly as if you d put a gun to my head.
He stared up at me, his expression dead. I never made you sleep with me. I didn t have to,
and I didn t want to.
I wouldn t have slept with you if you hadn t fucked with my mind.
You were looking for sex each and every time, Jodi. All I did was help you have it with me.
You wanted me. I didn t make that happen.
The problem is that I can t dispute that because I can t bloody well remember, can I?
He set his tools down and hugged himself. I ain t lying.
How do I know?
You don t. But you re so caught up in what I done to you, and don t even care why. Guess
you think I like doing this kind of shit to people. I love being a rapist for these guys. Makes me
feel all glowy inside. Specially seeing how they order it and then hate me for it.
I stepped closer. Why do you let them? What could possibly justify this, Kir? I'm not Pregar
Noret. I'm not a criminal, a villain. All I wanted to do was help paranormals. Why...why treat me
like that?
I never planned...see, I have to do it all the time. A lot of the guys we re trying to track,
keep on top of, have shields. I can t read their thoughts. Sex is one time that the shields are
weaker, so I get them into bed, read their minds, then make them forget. We have to. Noret s got
telepaths.
But why me? Why track me?
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